Attachment issues and Fishy - the 20 year relationship

I've been teaching music lessons almost 25 years now.

When I started, I would drive anywhere, teaching anyone, and often recieved unusual gifts.

Top of the list of these gifts was a fish tank and a little village of fish. I always wanted to have a fish tank, so I took it home and set it up.

I thought, how long could fish live? 5 years?

Most of the original batch lasted a few years but one guy, who we named Sucky, because they were often stuck to the class, outlived them all.

After my children grew up and left, I still had this fish. My granddaughter loved that fish. We took to calling them Fishy.

One day, we were practicing jazz in the living room and Fishy was watching. Usually we did this in the basement and her tank was in the back room for much of her life (beside our couch and fireplace) but recently, she had been moved into the living room.

We were practicing for a show and our opener was “On the Sunny Side of the Street”.

Fishy looked at me as I sang.

I realized, she wouldn't have known, all these years, she didn't know, it was me who was making that sound.

She danced! She loved it. We started singing to her when we changed her tank water. This all made me think, why had I not developed a relationship with the fish?

Don't get me wrong, I liked having her around but we didn't have an interactive relationship.

I realized it was because I had been expecting to have to say Good Bye. Something I hate. So I hadn't allowed myself to love her.

My granddaughter did though, every morning after a sleep over, she would climb onto the bench, and feed her. Then we would do the Fishy dance and sometimes, she would dance with us.

I apologized to Fishy, for having her but not bonding. I started “holding” her by caressing the tank and sending her good energy. I started saying hello and goodbye. I started dancing with her even when Wiggles wasn't over. I started singing to her when we weren't doing anything in particular. She would dance with me. I would say blink once for yes, and she would and I would laugh.

I felt healing my relationship with Fishy was doing some serious relationship work.

She got old and after our 2nd move in 3 years, she wasn't doing well. Soon after, she passed away. It was just my husband and I. Dad was in long term care and my Adult children were living their own lives.

We cried. We told stories. We gave her a grand send off, just us two, the ones who changed her tank water, played her favorite songs and loved her - even if it was later in her long fish life.

I see that my attachment issues likely contributed to the cut off from my Adult Child and their family.